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| Triple threat |
I own a three story townhome. Which means two sets of stairs. Which means as soon as I get in my car to go somewhere, I remember I left something on the third floor. So I bolt up the stairs like lightning. One flight down. Run to the second flight and take them, skipping steps baby! Then, without warning, I go from full energy to "OMG I'm going to die. Must.have.air."
Life can be similar. You go and go and keep on going, not even thinking about it. And suddenly, it's like you just can't see how you're do it anymore.
I haven't blogged in a while because of a lot of things that can all be filed under "life's busy". But on top of those things, I just wasn't feeling it. To be perfectly honest, I'm over the whole single mom thing. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being a mom. Even though my son constantly talks about farts and boogers and my daughter thinks she's the boss of everyone, never for one moment have I not loved being their mom. I love them so much it hurts and I really can't picture life without them. I mean, who would color on my couches or inform me that the word "venus" rhymes with...take a guess.
In the past few weeks though, an emotional funk had been building. And this was more than the monthly funk ifyouknowwhaddimean (only women read this blog, right?). I've been restless for a while, waiting for the next stage of my life to come. When my son finished kindergarten last month, the truth that I am now a mom to a first grader hit me. Besides the "where the heck have the past 6 years gone?!" was the realization that time is flying by and the kids are growing up and, although they see their dad, they are being raised in a single parent household and this is never, ever, ever what I wanted for them. People always tell me, "when the kids grow up, they'll realize..." but life is happening here and now. Memories are being made and not-so-little-anymore lives are being formed and it's so much less than what I wanted for my kids.
So I had a moment with God. And by "moment", I mean a whine-fest. I laid in my bed one night and my mind was racing with everything I needed to do the next day, how horrible of a mother I'd felt like that day and how desperately I just want to be an amazing mother who did everything well. I was completely overwhelmed. The feeling of failure was killing me. But deeper than the whining in me, was the knowledge that yes, I am weak. I am imperfect. I'm certainly no super woman and I don't have what it takes. And I just kept saying those words: "Your grace is sufficient. Your strength is made perfect in my weakness." It's not strength that is just aaaa-ight. It's perfect. Unfailing. Filling the spaces I'll never be able to fill. It's for now, for this sometimes craptastic stage that may very well last longer than I'd like.
I love this song a good friend sent me once, "Steady My Heart". The words are ridiculous...
Even when it hurts, even when it's hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to you
Cause I know that you are
Lover of my soul, healer of my scars
You steady my heart
Maybe that's what it's all about. When did I decide I deserved a perfect life? What makes me think life should be just as I planned it. As hard as it is to accept, without these times, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I'm learning to choose to be thankful for the struggles. And for every moment where I feel like I'm over it, there comes a moment where He gives me the strength to keep on going...one stair at a time.
Sarah we've all been where you are, unfortunately at some point you will be there again. In a world of great uncertaintiy, heartache and disappointment, I'm grateful that I can call on Him and cry out in my weepiness....He sees, He knows, He understands! I don't feel that anyone of us, when we were little, said, "You know, when I grow up My spouse is going to walk out on me" or in my case, "I'm going to marry twice and both times will be wrong" or "I want grow up and marry someone who treats me with little or no respect". I don't have the answers to broken lives ( and mine feels so broken, yet I choose to stay in the broken relationship) or marriages or fatherless or even motherless homes; but I do know a healer, a redeemer of all tha shards that come with broken and He is the balm that soothes the wound and it's a long healing process. At almost 50 years old I never dreamt I'd be in such a messed up relationship, yet on my own & by myself, no children, no husband, not even a relationship with a true leg to stand on. I feel your pain, but I also know His presence and He loves us through all of this ugly pain and anguish. Hang on to His hope sweet Sarah, that is all the advice I have to offer. Love you precious one!
ReplyDeleteSarah - You share your heart so beautifully and so honestly!
ReplyDeleteGod many times uses our dreams and desires as a way of communicating with us. Through them He wants to develop and use our uniqueness and gifts to accomplish His purposes.
In this fallen, imperfect world dreams are often interrupted, broken, shattered, and unfulfilled. This can happen through the sins and choices of others, events and circumstances over which we have no control, our own sins and wrong choices, or by a combination of these factors.
When this happens God does not want us to abandon those dreams, but He will lovingly work with us to refine our unrealistic dreams, to restore our broken dreams, to realize our delayed dreams, and to redesign our shattered dreams so both His purposes and our dreams can be fulfilled.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” -Prov 3:5
“Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” –Ps 37:4
I love Kari Jobe. I love your blog. I love your kids sense of humor and I REALLY REALLY LOVE YOUR HONESTY! The truth is, this is a lesson we ALL need to learn and you articulated the truth with such grace and eloquence. I'm praying for you Sarah. Praying that His grace be sufficient on good days and not so good days. Praying that His strength is made perfect when we're weak.
ReplyDeletePS I caught the end of Good Afternoon America today and had such a laugh by myself thinking about you. :O)
It's when you're writing these blogs that I see your heart and it makes me very proud of you...and so very happy that you are my daughter.
ReplyDeleteAnd, no, women aren't the only ones reading your blog.
Sarah, I am so glad I hop over to your blog from Jennifer's. Girl you have such a clear, open, natural way of communicating that leaves those reading going, yeah, say more.
ReplyDeleteI would like to bounce off of Lisa comment, she is so right on in her advice. You are the third women today I have written these words to..."God never waste anything in our lives. He wants to use our mistakes, our questioning, our lack of faith at times, our hardest times especially to teach us we are weak and He is strong. He uses it all to draw us to Him...He loves us so.
I love the singing realities shows so on Voice last night one of the coaches pick someone who was really not as good as the other girl. BUT, the coach said, he wanted to work with the one who had more to learn or something like that. It made me think...thats God, He does not pick the perfect for there are none except Him that is perfect, He works with the weak, the poor, the ones who need some more work done on them. Someone who "thinks" they are sufficient in all has no need of a Teacher. Blessings
I will come back for a visit to see how you are doing...I think your children are blessed to have a Mom who knows she is not perfect but knows the perfect Heavenly Father and His Son. Blessings