Friday, July 22, 2011

Lasting love

Isaiah 54
You were like an abandoned wife, devastated with grief,
   and God welcomed you back,
Like a woman married young
   and then left," says your God.

 7-8Your Redeemer God says:

   "I left you, but only for a moment.
   Now, with enormous compassion, I'm bringing you back.
In an outburst of anger I turned my back on you—
   but only for a moment.
It's with lasting love
   that I'm tenderly caring for you.


I'll never forget the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, the day I first realized I was a casualty of infidelity.  It was December 14, 2007. I dont know if I remember the date because it was my sister's birthday, or because the life I thought I created for myself was about to explode in my face.  I had noticed there was a difference in him, but I could chalk it up to lots of things. I had just given birth to my second child four weeks earlier, he had just started a new job, I was recovering from a c-section, we were still in culture shock after moving from our hometown of NYC to Charlotte, leaving most of our family back home. Still, I never saw it coming. I don't know if anyone ever does. 

I won't get into the details of what happened here because my intention isn't to bash him and his choices.  However, going by what little information I had at that time, I decided to stay with him.  I tried to get over it but never really could.  I sank into a pit of loneliness, confusion and insecurity. Most of my friends and family never even knew what was going on.  I put on quite a show. It hurts to look back at pictures of myself during that time.  I can see the broken heart behind the smile. 

I switched over to emotional survival mode and never checked out. I worked and took care of my 2 year old son and newborn daughter, becoming extremely protective over them, especially my new baby girl.  At that time he paid her very little positive attention, and mostly complained about her...she cried too much, pooped too much, woke up too much.  Of course, the day she had explosive diarrhea and shot it all over him was a vindication of sorts. "That's my girl!", I thought!  Looking back, he wasn't in his right mind.  You can't live two lives and live them normally.  He didn't hate her, he just didn't know how to love her in good conscience, knowing he had another life outside the home. 

That went on for 17 more months.  I can count on one hand the number of happy days there were in those 17 months.  Of course, my babies were like little rainbows that peeked through after the storms...but there were lots of storms.

To make a very long and soap opera-ish story short, hidden things began to come to light over those 17 months and he began to fall deeper and deeper into the pit (and it IS a pit) of infidelity.  Here was a man I met and married in church, yet he pushed God further and further can't serve God and lust at the same time. Finally, on a Sunday afternoon in June 2009, I found out what was going on and asked him to leave.  In short, that was the beginning of the end.

I never really grasped the term "heartbroken" until then.  It literally felt like my heart had broken. I could feel the pain in my chest day in and day out.  My stomach was in knots for weeks and I lost over 10 lbs...which at 5' tall, makes a big difference!  For almost a month, I spent almost every day in tears. And when I wasn't crying, I wandered the house aimlessly.  The news spread and I suddenly had to tell close friends and family what I had been hiding for 18 months.  I looked at my children and hurt for them, because I never, ever wanted this life for them.   There was and is so much more involved that I won't get into here, but suffice it to say I wouldn't wish divorce on anyone.  Recently, I saw a commercial for a tv show entitled "Happily Divorced".  Thats an oxymoron.  Divorce rips your heart to shreds and doesn't only mark the breakup of a relationship, but the mourning of hopes, dreams and a million other things.  It has ripple effects on people you love and you are never, ever the same.

Isaiah 54 was a passage God had burned on my heart for years.  I highlighted it in my Bible as a teenager and had read and reread it so many times.  I didnt know why. I always had a burden for young, unwed mothers but I didnt know I'd soon be one myself.  A couple of days after he left, I reread that passage and it was like God wrote it just for me...

"like an abandoned wife, devastated with grief...a woman married young and then left...It's with lasting love that I'm tenderly caring for you."Lasting love.  LASTING love.  Many search the world over to find that kind of love.  Many chase it and look for it in all the wrong places.  Many still are blessed enough to find a spouse who can offer them the best love a human can offer...lasting for a lifetime.  But that's all. Humans are limited by time but God is not.  His love is perfect and more pure than any human can ever offer. His love stays and stands the test of time. His love doesn't know the limits of stress, sickness or death.  His love lasts.

There are many reasons I wanted to start this blog, but the most important reason is so that, whether you've been divorced one day or fifty years, whether you're happily married or hopelessly miserable, whether you're a single mom struggling to make it through the day or a mom who's amazingly content with her life...there is still hope in His lasting love that this world can never offer.  Chase after it and pursue it.  He waits for you.


  1. Sarah, you'll bless more than you'll ever know with your words. Don't stop. Keep writing. Let Lord of your life be your inspiration.

  2. You're a strong woman and a true inspiration for others! Love you!

  3. You are a perfect example of strength, to me. You play both parental roles. You have to work harder at it than a 'conventional family' (whatever that is these days). And you still are so positive and encouraging and it makes me respect you, so much!

    If anyone could and should be a role model for single mothers, it could and should be YOU! Keep strong, lady! (hug)

  4. Sarah...You're an inspiration to ALL Single Mothers! I admire your strength and your courage to share this. Your words touched me very deeply not only because I would have never imagined you were going thru this, but also because I was there...and I still live with the pain Love you honey...stay strong and keep being the amazing Mom and Woman you are. XOXO

  5. Sarah, I am so sorry you had to go through this and you are taking the higher road by being so graceful about everything. You are a wonderful, funny, amazing woman! It is his BIG, HUGE loss... you are worth so much more!
    -Kerry Blomberg

  6. Sarah, I can honestly say I can relate to your words in many ways. Being a single mother of 2 is a job in itself. Thank you for being an inspiration. Your strength and courage helps remind me that I too can get through anything life has in store for me. You are an amazing woman, mother, and friend. Keep being YOU!!
    <3 You,
    Elizabeth Sullivan

  7. Wow. I am so very impressed. This is excellent and allows other women who are going through the same experience a chance to share, empathize and sympathize. What a fabulous idea to start this blog. I'm sorry you have to endure what you've through and continue to go through. But your choice of Scripture is right on the money. You truly are a phenomenal woman. It's an honor to know you! Love you sooooo much.


  8. Sarah,

    I love you heart and you! Keepin it real, yet tender! You are a brave one my dear, i guess you have had no choice but to be brave. I know there is so nuch that Lord has in store for you and those precious babies...

    I like how you define the repercussions of this...."Divorce rips your heart to shreds and doesn't only mark the breakup of a relationship, but the mourning of hopes, dreams and a million other things. It has ripple effects on people you love and you are never, ever the same." Good writing.

    My parents divorced when I was 10, and know those feelings from a child's end. Thank you for sharing your heart!

    Would you mind of I shared your blog on Facebook? I have several friends in mind, I know would identify with your story.

    love you,

  9. Sarah,

    I love you so very much and am so proud of you. I am in awe of God's faithfulness and rejoice in how He has kept you and blessed you in the midst of such heartache. Though it has been hard to watch you go through this, it has been a joy to see the woman of God you have become as a result. You are an amazing mom, a dear friend and a trophy of God's grace. Thank you for sharing your heart and your journey. I love you (and miss you!) so very much. The best truly is yet to come!

    Love, Jenn

  10. What a testimony God's writing in you - you are so inspiring! Rebecca Ellis

  11. Sarah,

    Thank you for your transparency I cannot wait to see through your blog how God will use you. Through reading this post I can see that He has carried you and your precious children. It breaks my heart all that you have gone through, but I know that the Lord has a plan for you and your family. Love you sweet friend oxoxox

  12. I'm so glad I know you. Can't wait to read more.

  13. It's time to write again. Please keep it going and find more surprises in your life.

  14. My flesh says I am so sorry for what you had to endure. My spirit responds though that God is obviously using this and you for His kingdom. That is a marvelous thing.

    I am glad to catch up on your current journey. Thank you for blessing me and for your willingness to be a godly example to others.


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