Wednesday, February 15, 2012
A Love Story
You've read the title of this blog and efore you get all excited, let me burst your bubble. I am not about to tell you I met someone. Not even close. Not even close to close. Actually, I'm pretty sure my 6 year old has a better love life than I do. Oh, many an awkward moment I've had, that's for sure...but no one even slightly acceptable (on a good day) has crossed my path. When my ex-husband moved out, everyone asked me when I would start dating again. Date?! I'd rather scratch my eyes out with a spork, thankyouverymuch. My feelings aren't that strong anymore, but the opportunity just hasn't presented itself. I said I wouldn't date until I was 30 (I was 27 at the time). 30 just came. I now joke that every birthday, I will start saying "well, I didn't want to date until I was 31 anyway...".
However, there is a love story in the works here. The story began before I was born. A God who formed me and knew me in my mother's womb. Who carried me through to a healthy birth, all 9 lbs. 12oz. of me (my poor mother). A God who brought comfort when I lost my mom. A God who was near in the years that followed, both good and bad times. A God who protected me in my comings and goings, safety I too often take for granted. A God who was with me when I lost two babies, practically unknown and unseen to the world, but so very real to me. A God who smiled with me when my two living babies were born. A God who was with me during some very dark, confusing and humiliating times, a comforting and constant presence in the midst of chaos. A God who has provided for me financially, who has protected my children, who has given me all I ever need and even some things I don't.
This is so hard for me to admit, but there are times when the beasts of loneliness and disappointment hurt like you can't imagine (well, you probably can). It's that familiar weight on the heart that I can physically feel. Usually I'm too busy to deal, but sometimes I have to allow myself to feel it. I'm a huge joker, so most people can't even imagine me being all weepy and hot-mess-ugly-cry-ish, complete with dripping snot and what not. But it happens. It isn't too often, really. Most days (yes, even Valentine's day) ridin' solo is just fine with me. I don't even think about it. But then I pop in some stupid Nicholas Sparks movie. Or I can't take one more nanosecond of my daughter's attitude, and there's no one to save me (or her). Or I have to drive my tired self home from the airport after midnight when returning from a business trip. Or my car makes noises that I'd rather just ignore.
There are certain roles husbands are supposed to play such as protector, provider, leader. Though it'd be nice to have that in a human, God has been that and more. A lot of it is too personal to blog about, but I have been through situations that could've been much, much worse! Protector. I have a job that allows me to work and earn a decent living, but also be home to meet my kids when they return from school. We have a home, a car in the driveway, food in the fridge, toys well...everywhere. Provider. The kids have somehow, some way, made it to their 4th and 6th birthdays. They're healthy, they're happy and they drive me nuts. There are times when I feel like I'm 'bout to LOSE MY MIND up in here, but they are also my greatest joy (omg, I'm a sap). He's constantly giving me what I need to raise them and I have to lean on Him, because in reality, I don't know what the heck I'm doing! Leader.
Just before Christmas, the women's ministry at my church felt led to give all the single moms a financial gift, along with praying for us. Like me, I'm sure many single moms feel forgotten, especially around the holidays. While they prayed over us, I just kept hearing the phrase "love story" in my head. This was such a beautiful love story. (Well, I also ran out of deodorant that afternoon, and while they prayed, I was also thinking how the bright lights were making my pits sweat...but I digress.) A lover remembers you, thinks of you, places value on you. Even in seemingly insignificant times. Again God showed that His lasting love is tenderly caring for me.
It's a love story that life can imitate, but never reproduce. Sure, it'd be nice to meet someone (under 50 and not socially awkward) one day. There's a beauty in human relationships I can appreciate and marriage is His design. Yet I also know that this love story is as good as it gets. His love runs deeper than any human's ever can and I can rest in it, because it is as sure as He is.
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