God, I look to you
I won't be overwhelmed
Give me vision, to see things like You do
Give me wisdom, You know just what to do - Jenn Johnson
"But mommmm-mmmm-mmm-mmmm-yyyyyyyyy..." my four year old whined, complete with the melodrama that usually accompanies her cries for justice. I knew what was coming next. "It's. Not. Fai-www".
She and her brother were fighting over something meaningless. As usual. I'm convinced that if there was an actual piece of crap laying around, and there was only one, they'd fight over it. But I digress.
Usually they fight, one wins, and the winner does a victory dance and teases the other incessantly. The other cries because it is't fair. And it usually isn't. Life isn't fair.
Sometimes I feel like they feel. I spend the day waking sleepy children, making breakfast, packing lunches, running for buses, driving to preschool, working, conference calling, picking up from preschool, working more, cleaning, picking up from the bus, working more, making dinner, forcing homework, making snacks, serving dinner, threatening no dessert if said dinner isn't eaten, cleaning up tables, playing referee and...and...and. Just when I'm about to wave my white flag in surrender, their dad's visitation time arrives and he gets to swoop in and save them. From me. And you know what comes next? Mother's guilt, for coming very close to losing my mind. Again.
Keep in mind, I want to be very careful how I word this because I love my kids more than anything in the world. I love that they love their dad and I don't want to get in the way of that. I want them to choose their feelings for him based on their experiences, not mine. And I never want to write anything I don't want them reading later, about him or about our situation. So, I'm trying to craft my words wisely, while also trying to explain how I feel.
When they are with their dad they have little rules or discipline because it's just a few hours per week. They don't spend nights with him, so they're stuck with me at bedtime too. When I do discipline them or set rules they don't like, I often hear "I want daddddddddy." And though I hate to admit it, inside I am suddenly the one screaming: "It's not faiwwwww!"
And it's not. So what am I going to do about it? What can I do about it?
Recently, I've been struggling with this more often than I'd like to admit. All I ever wanted to be was a mom. All I still want to be is a mom, just not a single mom. And definitely not responsible for the large majority of the parenting. Currently, it's not quite happening that way, but as you know, this is not the way I planned it. It's easy to get caught up in anger and resentment. I guess I have every right to be angry...every right to feel like I've been left with a huge responsibility. Yet, living in a place of anger won't (and can't) do me any good. Being resentful won't change the situation. It will keep me, and eventually my kids, in a prison of unforgiveness and that is the last place I want us to be.
All I can do now is let it be. Keep on keeping on. Do the best I can. Make meals. Drive short people everywhere. Hug my babies. Stop focusing on everything I lost and focus on everything I have. Stop thinking of everything I wanted and dreamed of and planned for, and be thankful for more time with these healthy, beautiful, patience-wearing, impressionable kids I have here. I'm lucky that I get to be their mother. No, life isn't perfect. And rarely is it fair. For now, though, I choose to let it be.
What are you learning to "let be" in your life?