I own a three story townhome. Which means two sets of stairs. Which means as soon as I get in my car to go somewhere, I remember I left something on the third floor. So I bolt up the stairs like lightning. One flight down. Run to the second flight and take them, skipping steps baby! Then, without warning, I go from full energy to "OMG I'm going to die. Must.have.air."
Life can be similar. You go and go and keep on going, not even thinking about it. And suddenly, it's like you just can't see how you're do it anymore.
I haven't blogged in a while because of a lot of things that can all be filed under "life's busy". But on top of those things, I just wasn't feeling it. To be perfectly honest, I'm over the whole single mom thing. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being a mom. Even though my son constantly talks about farts and boogers and my daughter thinks she's the boss of everyone, never for one moment have I not loved being their mom. I love them so much it hurts and I really can't picture life without them. I mean, who would color on my couches or inform me that the word "venus" rhymes with...take a guess.
In the past few weeks though, an emotional funk had been building. And this was more than the monthly funk ifyouknowwhaddimean (only women read this blog, right?). I've been restless for a while, waiting for the next stage of my life to come. When my son finished kindergarten last month, the truth that I am now a mom to a first grader hit me. Besides the "where the heck have the past 6 years gone?!" was the realization that time is flying by and the kids are growing up and, although they see their dad, they are being raised in a single parent household and this is never, ever, ever what I wanted for them. People always tell me, "when the kids grow up, they'll realize..." but life is happening here and now. Memories are being made and not-so-little-anymore lives are being formed and it's so much less than what I wanted for my kids.
So I had a moment with God. And by "moment", I mean a whine-fest. I laid in my bed one night and my mind was racing with everything I needed to do the next day, how horrible of a mother I'd felt like that day and how desperately I just want to be an amazing mother who did everything well. I was completely overwhelmed. The feeling of failure was killing me. But deeper than the whining in me, was the knowledge that yes, I am weak. I am imperfect. I'm certainly no super woman and I don't have what it takes. And I just kept saying those words: "Your grace is sufficient. Your strength is made perfect in my weakness." It's not strength that is just aaaa-ight. It's perfect. Unfailing. Filling the spaces I'll never be able to fill. It's for now, for this sometimes craptastic stage that may very well last longer than I'd like.
I love this song a good friend sent me once, "Steady My Heart". The words are ridiculous...
Even when it hurts, even when it's hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to you
Cause I know that you are
Lover of my soul, healer of my scars
You steady my heart
Maybe that's what it's all about. When did I decide I deserved a perfect life? What makes me think life should be just as I planned it. As hard as it is to accept, without these times, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I'm learning to choose to be thankful for the struggles. And for every moment where I feel like I'm over it, there comes a moment where He gives me the strength to keep on going...one stair at a time.