Check out this video from singleandparenting.org. Angela Thomas, who authors the book I talk about here, discusses how there is still hope even when one is single parenting. Check out all the related videos too and let me know what you think in the comments below or on my Facebook page.
There’s Always Hope from Church Initiative on Vimeo.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Being Supermom
When you get a chance, check out this blog! A friend posted it earlier this week and it's probably why all this "supermom" stuff was on my mind. It speaks to every mom, single or not.
__________________________
The other night, the midget wrestlers came to dinner dressed in their superhero costumes. I joked on twitter that if my kids were Spiderman and Supergirl, that must make me Supermom. I say "joked" because I know I am anyone other than Supermom or Superwoman. And because I'm pretty much always joking around.
I admit it. I'm not one of "those" moms who makes a homemade advent calendar that I sewed together with thread I found on clearance. I don't make perfect little color coordinated chore charts. I don't make my kids' birthday cakes from scratch. I work. I probably have unknown species of dust on my wood floors at any given time. I shout at my kids' sometimes. I forget snacks for their class. I don't do 20 minutes of reading with them every single night. I don't do coupon clipping (yet). The idea of homeschooling makes me twitch. J's scrapbook of his first year is only 3/4 finished. He's about to be 6. Don't even ASK about the second child. Oh, and there is a lot more. Add that to the guilt of them growing up in a single parent household and it's obvious -- they've been cheated in this life with me as their mom.
Or have they?
Us women are so quick to beat ourselves up. I, for some reason, have a hard time accepting compliments. If you tell me I look pretty, I joke around about how I'm really not as pretty as it looks and I spent an ungodly amount of time doing my hair that morning. If you tell me my outfit is nice, I start announcing where I got every piece and how much it cost (because it's always inexpensive). I even have friends who tell me "you look pretty and just say thank you before I hit you." I don't know why I do that..but I do. Have you diagnosed me yet? Good, bill me. When people tell me I'm a good mother, in my head I think "ohhhh, but you don't live with me."
You see, this is never the way I envisioned my motherhood experience. I had visions of driving a minivan. My daughters would all go to ballet and my sons would all be in little league. I'd be a stay at home mom and drive them around wherever they needed to go. We'd go on annual vacations to tropical locales. I'd have time to volunteer. On every holiday we'd make a perfect little craft and then I'd save it in my perfect little bin and store it in my perfectly organized garage. My husband and I (yes, there'd be a husband) would have Christmas parties every year and I'd make 193 homemade dishes for said party. We'd have movie nights where the whole family would pile up on the couch and stuff popcorn down our mouths. My children would always be well-behaved. I wouldn't dare co-sleep. We'd all wear matchy-matchy outfits for Easter.
Ah, life. It didn't turn out quite the way I planned it...at all. In reality, my daughter loudly announces every occurrence of her flatulence, no matter where we are. They fight. Every night, at some point before dawn, my four year old still climbs in my bed. I don't drive a minivan (nor will I ever). And, I don't have a husband.
I think every mother, single or not, struggles with guilt at some point or another. Every time I travel for business, I feel like the worst mother in the world. Every time they eat fast food, I can almost imagine their little insides rotting away. When I microwave food, I think "how about if this is the time the radiation is a little too much?" It bothers me that their dad gets to be "fun Chuck E. Cheese dad" and I have to be "for the 100th time, go upstairs, brush your teeth and get your pajamas on" mom. (What the FLIP is so fun about Chuck E. Cheese anyway? It reeks of sweaty kid feet and old cheese...but I digress.)
Last night, I took my son to one of those snazzy self-serve yogurt joints. He dug some change (and lint balls...and a candy wrapper) out of his little pockets and paid for $.65 of the bill. I told him I was so proud of him for being such a gentleman. He hugged me and said "you are just the most super mommy there ever was and you're the most beautiful mommy in the world". (Tell all your daughters to take a number.) I thought to myself "I must be doing something right."
For a change, I thought of what I had done right recently. I packed his lunch with a little note saying I loved him. I let him buy a Rice Krispies treat. I met him at school for lunch. I bought 20 cans for his school food drive, so his class could win a pizza party (oh yea, and so that hungry people could eat). All three of us had an impromptu dance party...I even did the Running Man (and no, it wasn't pretty). I made Josiah mashed potatoes the way he likes them. I bought E a(nother) fabulous outfit. We did morning devotions. I prayed for them before they walked into school. We prayed before they went to bed. I read them a Christmas story. I listened to my daughter's Christmas wish list for the 104th time. We made silly (ugly) faces and took pictures of ourselves.
I don't say all that to brag because believe me -- for every thing I've done right, I've done about 100 things wrong (see, I can't even accept my own compliments!). I only say it to encourage you to think of the things you are doing right. Push back concerns of everything you can't offer your children, and celebrate what you can.
What makes you supermom (or superdad) in the eyes of your children?
__________________________
I admit it. I'm not one of "those" moms who makes a homemade advent calendar that I sewed together with thread I found on clearance. I don't make perfect little color coordinated chore charts. I don't make my kids' birthday cakes from scratch. I work. I probably have unknown species of dust on my wood floors at any given time. I shout at my kids' sometimes. I forget snacks for their class. I don't do 20 minutes of reading with them every single night. I don't do coupon clipping (yet). The idea of homeschooling makes me twitch. J's scrapbook of his first year is only 3/4 finished. He's about to be 6. Don't even ASK about the second child. Oh, and there is a lot more. Add that to the guilt of them growing up in a single parent household and it's obvious -- they've been cheated in this life with me as their mom.
Or have they?
Us women are so quick to beat ourselves up. I, for some reason, have a hard time accepting compliments. If you tell me I look pretty, I joke around about how I'm really not as pretty as it looks and I spent an ungodly amount of time doing my hair that morning. If you tell me my outfit is nice, I start announcing where I got every piece and how much it cost (because it's always inexpensive). I even have friends who tell me "you look pretty and just say thank you before I hit you." I don't know why I do that..but I do. Have you diagnosed me yet? Good, bill me. When people tell me I'm a good mother, in my head I think "ohhhh, but you don't live with me."
You see, this is never the way I envisioned my motherhood experience. I had visions of driving a minivan. My daughters would all go to ballet and my sons would all be in little league. I'd be a stay at home mom and drive them around wherever they needed to go. We'd go on annual vacations to tropical locales. I'd have time to volunteer. On every holiday we'd make a perfect little craft and then I'd save it in my perfect little bin and store it in my perfectly organized garage. My husband and I (yes, there'd be a husband) would have Christmas parties every year and I'd make 193 homemade dishes for said party. We'd have movie nights where the whole family would pile up on the couch and stuff popcorn down our mouths. My children would always be well-behaved. I wouldn't dare co-sleep. We'd all wear matchy-matchy outfits for Easter.
Ah, life. It didn't turn out quite the way I planned it...at all. In reality, my daughter loudly announces every occurrence of her flatulence, no matter where we are. They fight. Every night, at some point before dawn, my four year old still climbs in my bed. I don't drive a minivan (nor will I ever). And, I don't have a husband.
I think every mother, single or not, struggles with guilt at some point or another. Every time I travel for business, I feel like the worst mother in the world. Every time they eat fast food, I can almost imagine their little insides rotting away. When I microwave food, I think "how about if this is the time the radiation is a little too much?" It bothers me that their dad gets to be "fun Chuck E. Cheese dad" and I have to be "for the 100th time, go upstairs, brush your teeth and get your pajamas on" mom. (What the FLIP is so fun about Chuck E. Cheese anyway? It reeks of sweaty kid feet and old cheese...but I digress.)
Last night, I took my son to one of those snazzy self-serve yogurt joints. He dug some change (and lint balls...and a candy wrapper) out of his little pockets and paid for $.65 of the bill. I told him I was so proud of him for being such a gentleman. He hugged me and said "you are just the most super mommy there ever was and you're the most beautiful mommy in the world". (Tell all your daughters to take a number.) I thought to myself "I must be doing something right."
For a change, I thought of what I had done right recently. I packed his lunch with a little note saying I loved him. I let him buy a Rice Krispies treat. I met him at school for lunch. I bought 20 cans for his school food drive, so his class could win a pizza party (oh yea, and so that hungry people could eat). All three of us had an impromptu dance party...I even did the Running Man (and no, it wasn't pretty). I made Josiah mashed potatoes the way he likes them. I bought E a(nother) fabulous outfit. We did morning devotions. I prayed for them before they walked into school. We prayed before they went to bed. I read them a Christmas story. I listened to my daughter's Christmas wish list for the 104th time. We made silly (ugly) faces and took pictures of ourselves.
I don't say all that to brag because believe me -- for every thing I've done right, I've done about 100 things wrong (see, I can't even accept my own compliments!). I only say it to encourage you to think of the things you are doing right. Push back concerns of everything you can't offer your children, and celebrate what you can.
What makes you supermom (or superdad) in the eyes of your children?
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Follow me...
I'm officially a loser. I am asking you to follow me. No shame in my game, though! It's a great way to stay in touch in between posts, while also providing you a great way to post feedback! Go on now...follow me. Gracias :)
Monday, December 5, 2011
Enjoying the ride
 |
| "Snowstorm" in Charlotte |
I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. - Philippians 4:11-13
______________________
Ever been lost? My sister, Amy, gets lost everywhere she goes. And by everywhere, I mean everywhere. When we were younger, she never had to rely upon any sense of direction because I was older and where I led, she followed. Actually, she hopped incessantly...but that's a whole 'notha blog. When she started college, she was a mess. She'd get lost on the same subways we had rode since middle school. She couldn't understand how the whole uptown/downtown thing worked and assumed if a train said it was going to Queens, it must be the right one. One year, NYC experienced a citywide blackout. I instructed her she needed to walk home across the 59th Street bridge. Her response? "WHERE IS THAT?!" (And yes, it was on 59th Street.)
Luckily, I rarely get lost. I've also never really had a hard time feeling like I "fit in." I've had moments of awkwardness, sure. However, until all the infidelity was discovered, leading to the separation and divorce, I never felt "lost".
Let me rewind to a Saturday night a few months back. A friend had invited me over for a girls' night at her house, but I couldn't go because I had no one to watch my kids. I stopped by to drop off something I had bought for the party and as I left, I felt that familiar feeling wash over me again. It was the feeling of being lost in between two worlds, seemingly having no place to belong. Yes, I have a family. I'm incredibly lucky to have two children I'm raising, experiencing both the glamorous and the not-so-glamorous moments in parenting. We do the family things; food shopping, cartoons, baths, meals, tantrums, hugs, kisses etc. Although they drive me insane sometimes, I am unbelievably privileged to be their mom. However, I'm also a single woman. Here in suburgatory, single parents aren't found too often. It's sometimes awkward going to family and school functions, being the only single parent there. Almost every single mom (and maybe single dads too) I know identifies with this feeling of being caught in between two worlds. It's easy to feel forgotten. Life as you planned it is passing you by and there is nothing you can do about it.
On that Saturday night, I ended up taking the kids out and had a great time just being with them. A outdoor band was playing and my son shook his bony little butt like nobody's business. (I don't know where he gets it, I swear.) I laughed, but I had no one to share the moment with and once again, that feeling returned. I looked around at all the families walking around that night and couldn't help the "why me?". This is never the way I pictured my life looking and it sure isn't the way I wanted it.
As soon as that thought passed in my mind though, I immediately regretted it. I looked at my kids. They were happy, healthy and exhibiting pure tomfoolery in public. Parenting them is tough sometimes but they also bring me joy like I have never known. I am healthy. I have a great job. I have wonderful friends. I have a nice car. I have a nice house. I have a great family. And on this night, I really could not ask for more.
I'm not lost. I've just detoured off the planned route. However, I'm learning to enjoy the detour, because life is still happening here. I don't want to miss out on this part of my life, and especially of my kids' lives, because I am so worried about getting back on track. Even though there is sometimes rough terrain, I know that I am right where I'm supposed to be.
What have you learned on life's detours?
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Redemption (and the book you NEED to read)
I know it's been, um, forever since my last post! Life is crazy and full of school, report cards, birthday parties, book fairs, school lunches and a very active social life...and that's just my kids. As for me, you can find me on any given Friday night in front of an episode of Dateline. Lucky me. Anyway, I promise I have a few coming down the pike very soon! Now, if you are a single mom and have a pulse, you NEED to read this book: My Single Mom Life by Angela Thomas. Buy it...now. It's $6.00 new on Amazon...you'll live (maybe) if you give up two cups of Starbucks to buy this book.
Ok, done? Great.
So, when my ex-husband first left and I was in an unbelievably confused and stressful emotional state, my friend, who had been through a similar situation, recommended this book (big shout out to my fellow Queens girl, Rachel!). It sounds a little crazy now, but when it first happened I was so worried about my kids. Although I still worry about them, my worries are a little more rational now. Back then, all I could do was picture them as adults on an episode of Intervention, sticking a needle in their arm and explaining, through high-induced drooping eyelids, that this all started when their parents divorced. I've since learned that, although divorce is never what you want for your children, God is bigger than anything this world will throw their way! They are safe in His arms.
Okay, Im going off on a tangent here...bear with me! As I was saying, I love this book so much that I have read and reread it numerous times. Sometimes I read the entire book, sometimes just chapters at a time. Today I picked it up and although I had highlighted this portion before, it really blew me away today. I believe it's because I am now 2 1/2 years away from what was probably the worst day of my life. I am looking at it from this perspective now, instead of being inside it. I know I've made it out of things I'd never thought I'd make it through. So, hold on to your hat and read this:
Making a trade (page 26)
Redemption is when you bring something of little value or which has become a liability, and an exchange is made for something better. You trade in wounds and consequences for astounding, lovely blessings, in spite of the negative, or maybe because of it. In the fullness of redemption, brokenness is mended by love. Aimless wandering becomes satisfied, visionary living. Lies are traded for truth. Mourning becomes dancing. A million broken pieces are rearranged into a vibrant, intact, beyond-your-wildest-dreams journey.
That kind of redeeming trade has happened for me. And the exchange just keeps on going. The One who is making the trade, the Redeemer, is the One I call Perfect Love, God, the only One who can turn broken into beautiful. Apart from his faithfulness to me, there would never have been redemption. I am convinced that His mercy is the means by which my life began again. Without His precious love, I'm sure I'd be in an unmarked cave somewhere, probably all moldy by now and nearly blind from squinting in the dark. Instead, I am incredibly grateful that God wouldn't let that happen, even to a woman like me. And what He has done for me, He is ready to do for you.
He redeemed my soul from going down to the pit, and I will live to enjoy the light - Job 33:28
Good, right?! I told you. Oh, by the way, you should really buy the book.
Reading through it, again and again, made me focus on the ways I have experienced redemption in the past two years.
- I used to cry every.single.day. Now, I don't! Speaking of, do you ever cry at those new Fisher-Price Christmas commercials?? No? Me neither.
- I'm not constantly consumed by who, what, when, where and why. When everything first happened, I was completely obsessed with finding out the truth. I never found out too much. These days, I have learned to be okay with the fact that I won't ever know everything. And that's okay. Actually, I don't think I WANT to know much more. Each little piece of information tears out a piece of your heart, and I've learned the hard way that the knowledge isn't worth the price.
- The peace I have now is something I felt was completely out of reach for me.
- I'm getting a little wiser. Wisdom is something I've really been trying to pursue recently. I've been reading the book of Proverbs and making a conscious effort to KNOW wisdom. Proverbs 2:10-11 says "For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul. Discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard you." Homegirl, I don't know about you, but I want my soul to be pleasant and I want my little family to be protected and guarded by wisdom. As a single mom, you need LOTS of wisdom. I'm definitely not a expert on wisdom...I let my son bring a water gun into the bathtub the other night. NOT wise. However, I'm pursuing it and I know God has redeemed my worry for His wisdom. What a bargain!
- My kids have survived thus far...and are happy and healthy.
- I have survived my kids.
- I have had numerous people approach me with difficulties they are experiencing in their marriage. I have been able to offer them words of advice and pass on a little bit of the hope I have acquired in the past few years. I remember how a few friends were my LIFELINE back then, and I am happy to be someone else's.
I can think of a hundred more, but I don't want to bore you. I want to know from you now! Look back on your life. In what ways have you been redeemed? Even if you dont want to share in a public forum, I encourage you to write them down. I promise you that you will be so encouraged!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Mr. Right
"Don't worry, you'll find someone who will love and take care of you and those kids". I've lost count of how many times I heard that statement, especially in the first few months following our separation. It didn't make me mad. I knew it was just people's way of trying to make me feel better. I often just laughed it off thinking "do 'Mr.' and 'Right'" even belong in the same sentence?! (Don't worry, I'm no longer a man hater).
I never understood how women jumped in and out of relationships, especially after ending marriages. After being in this situation though, I understand it well. Single parenting is a lonely job. I think some are under the assumption that you have children, so you can't be lonely. The opposite is true, at least for me. You are stuck in between two worlds; that of being a parent/ head of a family, and that of the single woman. Those two worlds have a difficult time coexisting, especially when (as is my case), one parent has full custody.
Don't get me wrong, there are MANY perks to being single!! My children and I have traveled up and down the east coast countless times in the past two years, just because we can. I can cook or I can not cook. New shoes? Yes, please! I control the remote control and I can blast my music at home, even if it is "chick" music. I have learned so much about myself and have gotten to enjoy my own company. There are days when I fully enjoy the single life, but then there are days when I'm over it.
There's nothing wrong with desiring a man in your life. That's the way God created us! Though I've always considered myself pretty independent, woman are designed to want to be taken care of. It's VERY humbling for me to admit that I sometimes get sick of being alone, sick of driving us everywhere, sick of taking care of myself when I'm not well, sick of car maintenance, sick of handling my own money, sick of fixing things in the house, sick of not being taken out, sick of carrying sleeping children up the stairs, sick of breaking up midget fights...and the list goes on and on. I can easily understand how it'd be much easier to just jump into a relationship and get all that temporarily resolved. Temporary fixes are just that though, temporary. And around here, my temporary fixes are usually never done right.
Just last week it was about 96 degrees outside. I was sitting at Josiah's bus stop, hot. Not hot looking, just hot. Two days later, we woke up to 45 degrees and the daytime high wasn't much higher than that. I broke out my boots and fall jacket, and enjoyed every sip of my hot cup of coffee...perfect on a chilly morning. Facebook was full of status updates commenting on the changing season. Everyone was seemingly over summer and ready for fall. It made me think – without the scorching summer sun, we would never appreciate the cool winds of fall. Without the dark winter days, we would never enjoy the spring's sunshine. In my life, I am learning to appreciate and embrace whatever season I am in. I value the days where I am happy and complete in my singleness. Yet I also value the times where the pain of loneliness has been almost unbearable, because I have learned so much during those times. Walking through those valleys has taught me that it IS possible to be alone. Somehow, I have survived without a man for over 2 1/2 years and I have lived to tell about it! I wouldn't trade that time for the world.
Allow yourself to feel both the blessings and difficulties that singleness brings and you will never be desperate for a man to come "save" you. Allow yourself to rely on God for the love that you need, because His love is perfect, fulfilling and stands the test of time. Take time to figure out what you really want and need in a man, and what you really want and need to be for a man.
So, hold tight....it will be worth the wait.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Explaining the unexplainable
 |
| My "favorite" son |
Proverbs 24:14
Know also that wisdom is sweet to your soul; if you find it, there is a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off.
Know also that wisdom is sweet to your soul; if you find it, there is a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off.
My firstborn, Josiah, is the sweetest little guy. He has such a soft heart and as a baby he'd often cry when my sister sang him lullabies. Sometimes, when he laughs so hard that he cries, he often ends up actually crying...it's hilarious to watch. Josiah was only 3 1/2 when his dad left, but he remembers him living here. He doesn't remember much of the tension that was in the house at that time (or he doesn't mention it) but I know he felt it back then.
After their dad left, I had no idea how to explain it to my children. My daughter was only 18 months so I couldnt really tell her much, but I knew Josiah needed an age-appropriate explanation. At the time, I just held him over with short answers and at times, changed the subject. I just didn't know what to say. He was still seeing his dad regularly, but I knew one day I'd have to explain the situation in a little more detail.
One night when he was about 4, we were driving home and out of nowhere, Josiah burst into tears. "I miss my daddy!" Without knowing how to handle it, and without being able to comfort him while driving, I just kept saying "its okay, Josiah...its okay to miss daddy." By the time we got home, he had already stopped crying but I knew his little heart was still aching. For a second I considered putting on a cartoon, reading a book, playing a game; anything to take his mind off of it and to save me from having to explain the unexplainable. However, I knew I had to confront the issue. How do you explain divorce to a child? I could barely wrap my mind around the questions of "why?" so how was I to explain the unexplainable to a preschooler?
I went up to his room and sat him down. I quickly asked (begged) God for wisdom, hugged him and told him one thing: "it's okay to be sad". He looked at me as if to say "Really?!"
As moms (or dads), we want the best for our children. Unfortunately, its impossible to go throughout this life and not experience pain. The important lesson I'm trying to teach my children (and trying to learn myself) is to allow themselves to feel the pain and embrace the lessons they're going to learn from that time. I feel bad for them often. I hate that they're hurting. I hate not being able to protect them from that hurt. I hate that they don't get to experience a "normal" family (whatever that is these days). I hate that they may one day experience the issues that having stepmom or stepdad may bring. I hate having to explain someone else's bad decisions to them. I do know one thing, though...this will not define them. I never want the term "divorce" to be a crutch to them throughout their lives.
Yes, its unfair. However, if handled wisely, hard times can often bring about stronger people. Even if this never would have happened, difficult times would have still come knocking at their door at one time or another. I hope that, through this situation, they will gain great wisdom. I hope my son will learn to honor and treasure his future wife. I hope my daughter learns to choose her mate wisely, and isn't led astray because she is looking for love in all the wrong places. I pray that they value marriage, even if they don't marry. Most of all, I pray that they are confident in their future knowing God walks alongside of them, in the good times and the bad.
How do you deal with your child's hurt, whether divorce related or not?
After their dad left, I had no idea how to explain it to my children. My daughter was only 18 months so I couldnt really tell her much, but I knew Josiah needed an age-appropriate explanation. At the time, I just held him over with short answers and at times, changed the subject. I just didn't know what to say. He was still seeing his dad regularly, but I knew one day I'd have to explain the situation in a little more detail.
One night when he was about 4, we were driving home and out of nowhere, Josiah burst into tears. "I miss my daddy!" Without knowing how to handle it, and without being able to comfort him while driving, I just kept saying "its okay, Josiah...its okay to miss daddy." By the time we got home, he had already stopped crying but I knew his little heart was still aching. For a second I considered putting on a cartoon, reading a book, playing a game; anything to take his mind off of it and to save me from having to explain the unexplainable. However, I knew I had to confront the issue. How do you explain divorce to a child? I could barely wrap my mind around the questions of "why?" so how was I to explain the unexplainable to a preschooler?
I went up to his room and sat him down. I quickly asked (begged) God for wisdom, hugged him and told him one thing: "it's okay to be sad". He looked at me as if to say "Really?!"
As moms (or dads), we want the best for our children. Unfortunately, its impossible to go throughout this life and not experience pain. The important lesson I'm trying to teach my children (and trying to learn myself) is to allow themselves to feel the pain and embrace the lessons they're going to learn from that time. I feel bad for them often. I hate that they're hurting. I hate not being able to protect them from that hurt. I hate that they don't get to experience a "normal" family (whatever that is these days). I hate that they may one day experience the issues that having stepmom or stepdad may bring. I hate having to explain someone else's bad decisions to them. I do know one thing, though...this will not define them. I never want the term "divorce" to be a crutch to them throughout their lives.
Yes, its unfair. However, if handled wisely, hard times can often bring about stronger people. Even if this never would have happened, difficult times would have still come knocking at their door at one time or another. I hope that, through this situation, they will gain great wisdom. I hope my son will learn to honor and treasure his future wife. I hope my daughter learns to choose her mate wisely, and isn't led astray because she is looking for love in all the wrong places. I pray that they value marriage, even if they don't marry. Most of all, I pray that they are confident in their future knowing God walks alongside of them, in the good times and the bad.
How do you deal with your child's hurt, whether divorce related or not?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)